Madonna.

By Peebz

 

Madonna, pop queen or drag queen? I ain’t sure but I know she’s looking more and more like the Queen Mother every day. Shame she isn’t dead like her.

Madonna has been around since pretty much the dawn of time, and it shows. Her varicose veins stand out so far that Rocco’s taken to doing wax rubbings on them (“Mummy this one looks like Noel Edmonds!”). I suppose that the amount of time she’s been around ‘ruling’ the charts deserves her the title of the “Queen of Pop”.  She can sit on her throne next to her well suited King of Pop Micheal Jackson. She can buy the Ethiopian orphans and he can rape them, everyone’s happy, including me (I hate children).
The only question that I ask in regards to Madonna’s reign is how? How the fuck has she been around for so long?

I apologise to any Madonna fans but, her music sucks, and I don’t rate her voice much either.
Actually, I take that apology back - I apologise to no one. And just for being a fan of Mads, you can stand on one leg and wait whilst I grow some balls for you to suck on.

I seriously think that Madonna is one of the least talented bitches to ever exist. The only reason she was ever successful was for her ‘controversy’.

Oh my Gods! She’s singing about virgins being touched.. For the very first time!
Yeah it worked back then.. But she kinda has nothing going for her now.
Controversy is dead! Long live conformity! Which would appear to be the direction she’s taking.
Everyone who has had a chart hit recently appears to have worked with Timbaland, so what does Madonna do? Jump right on that fucking bandwagon.
“Only got 4 minutes to save the world”? I think she destroyed an entire third world country producing that crap, there’s some more orphans she can’t buy.

I hate her videos as well. There she is, surrounded by a group of young female dancers in track suits, whilst she’s donning a swimming costume doing the splits. The fucking SPLITS. At 105 that should be illegal. I mean why, dear God, would the director of that video do that to us. We don’t want to see ancient minge wrapped in tight purple lycra being flashed at us every five seconds while she ‘dances‘. It’s torture., modern day fucking torture. An iron maiden has nothing on Madonna in a bathing costume with her legs splayed on either side of her.

It amazes me actually that she is able to do the splits. She says it’s down to yoga. I beg to differ. I agree that yoga does make you more flexible but I can’t see my grandma being able to do yoga and then do the splits. Hells no. Here’s my theory; see I am not the most flexible person you’re ever going to meet, but pour several pints down my neck and get me pissed and I stop feeling pain. I find a bit of slippery floor and wham, I’m down on the floor with my right foot about  feet away from left foot (I‘m short). Madonna is old. She probably has plenty of meds to keep her going by now, so what I’m suggesting is that it is the state of delirium and drowsiness from the pills that allows her to do the splits.

I can imagine her now actually, being pushed in a wheelchair by Lourdes to the doctors, crippled by arthritis, then being given her medication before running out of her GP’s doing cartwheels and shit.

Of course, my rant on Madonna would not be complete without mentioning her children’s books. As if she doesn’t have enough money and a big enough ego, she has to go and promote herself through the media of literacy, and to give herself extra credibility she writes for children. I personally would not be buying books for my children by someone who’s first attempt at writing was explicitly about sex. I haven’t read any of these, naturally, why would I want to put more money in Madonna’s pocket? But from what I can gather these stories either contain morals or are aimed at girls who are going through puberty.
Allow me to give anexample.

“Lotsa de Casha is the richest - and most miserable - man in the world. No matter how colossal his castles, how fast his horses, nor how big his sandwiches, he remains a gloomy old sourpuss. He is willing to pay any price for happiness, but realizes that it cannot be bought. Then one day, when he finds himself penniless and far from home, a gruff stranger helps him out and teaches him the secret to happiness”

A modern day Aesop. The moral here is quite obvious, money doesn’t buy happiness. Perhaps not, but it can sure buy you orphans and column inches.

Then of course is her “English Roses” series. A collection of books about a group of young girls experiencing the difficulties of school, friendships and boys, all very typically British. If you want to get an idea of how disgustingly girly and stereotypically English they are, head on over to the website! One of the characters, and I quote “loves plaid”. Do you know any girls who love plaid? I didn’t think so. Another loves anything with a Union Jack on it and they all have they’re own teacups. Fucking teacups.

I tell you what, I’ll write a series called “American Jackass” and it shall include a bunch of obnoxious teenage girls who think that having an IQ of 45 is a good thing, sit at the lunch table painting their nails whilst drinking coffee and eating bagels before vomiting them back up and have Stars and Stripes on everything.

To conclude this rant, I shall suggest a few things to Madonna, not that she’ll ever read them but one can have hope.

1) You have more money than I can ever imagine.. I suggest you buy a brace with it.

2) It’s too late for you to retire and grow old gracefully, you can however still retire.

3) David was not an orphan, his father wants him back.

4) Your movies suck, please refrain from acting.

5) If you do continue with your music career, it would be appreciated if you started dressing appropriately.

6) Die.

That is all.