Adverts.

By Peebz

 

In a world where Kerry 'Loud Mouth Good For Fuck All Worthy Of More Than A Jeremy Kyle Show Appearance" Katona constitutes as a celebrity, it’s hardly surprising really that intelligence appears to be lacking in all parts of the media. From shitty magazine articles and television programmes to radio shows and advertisements, it’s quite clear that they’ve been constructed by idiots for idiots. Now I’m not going to rant about what a pile of wank Big Brother is just yet, but trust me I will get around to that, today I pick on advertising.

I think Tesco’s best depicted adverts when they used that shite magician Paul Daniels to try and get you to use Tesco compare by brain washing the viewers. “Think of a website, any website..” whyisntpauldanielsdeadyet.com perhaps?

But that is generally what adverts are, a media tool to glamorise products so that you the public will buy them.

There is nothing worse than going to someone’s house and finding big brand products everywhere. They think that having actual Kellogg’s cornflakes rather than Asda brand makes them better than you, I just think that they’re twats who are wasting their money. Not only are these people idiots for spending £2.30 on a box of cornflakes when they could have had some perfectly good ones for £1.14, but they are also idiots for being bought by the advertisement campaigns used to endorse such products.

Ok so, Kellogg’s adverts aren’t that bad I suppose but I fucking HATE the Bold 2 in 1 and Lenor infusions adverts.

Allow me to explain; Bold 2 in 1 and Lenor infusions are the ones that have such enticing scents as
Ruby and Jasmine or Diamond and Lotus flower.
This infuriates me.
I can’t actually find the words to describe how much that pisses me off, because it is the biggest bullshit product I can think of. I will however try my fucking hardest to explain.
Lets try it like this shall we..

I would like you to go and get a ring, I don’t care what kind of ring, just as long as it has a stone in it.
Got it? Good.
Now give it a sniff. Are you getting any exotic aromas from that? No? Just sweat, dirt and a slight metallic note?
Ok so now you’ve done that, go and find you’re dirtiest item of clothing, and rub the stone on it.
Is any of the dirt being removed? Or are you finding that you are in essence just cleaning the ring?
I’m going to guess it was the latter.

So what does this tell us about the putting diamonds and rubies in our washing detergent?
That there’s no fucking use for them.
They don’t smell of anything and nor do they aid in cleaning clothes.
SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY BEING PUT IN LIQUITABS!?

I think I can answer that actually.
It’s because they believe that we, the consumers, are fucking RETARDS.

“So I’ve been thinking.. Our customers are idiots who like shiny things.. Why not put diamonds in the Liquitabs?”
“Actual diamonds?”
“No, we’ll pretend we smashed one open and it smelt like coconut or something..”

Fucking WANKERS.
If someone would like to show me where I can hire a bulldozer and direct me as to where Bold’s head office is located it would be highly appreciated. Send the information to peebz@whyihateeverything.co.uk. Thanks.

But it’s not only that they are selling us bullshit products. Oh no. It’s the way which they do it.

For example, Lenor’s advert for their infusions range shows a woman packing her suitcase with silky dresses. Not normal everyday clothes like jeans and t-shirts, oh no Lenor Infusions is far too luxurious for that, it has to be silk.
The woman then proceeds to check into a hotel, to meet a lover you’d presume. Wrong.
What she does is roll around on her hotel bed which is littered in her dresses.

What. The. Fuck.

This is bad, but I’ve not even mentioned the fucking voiceover yet.
So there you have these images of some bint rolling around on her clothes like it’s something sexy and sordid, as this guy with a deep and serious voice says, and I quote:
“She was the kind of woman who loved to be seduced...and she couldn’t resist temptation. She longed for passion, excitement and the enticing fragrance of new Lenor black diamond and lotus flower".

She loved to be seduced.. By DETERGENT!?
SERIOUSLY!?
She’d have a fucking screaming orgasm if I handed her some Daz then.
I wonder what she’d do with some Cillit Bang… than again perhaps not.

But basically what this advert conveys is two things.

1) That the adverts are as idiotic as the products they are selling.
2) That anyone who buys these products are fucking morons.

I mean, checking into a hotel to roll around on your clothes that you just fucking washed?
You can do that at home for a start, and yes your kids will think you’re a idiot, but hey, you’re the one who’s mucking up your just cleaned clothes by rolling on the fuckers.

Another advert which gets my already above temperature blood boiling is the one for First Response pregnancy testing kits.
You may be familiar with this one.
I like to believe it’s because the anger and sheer annoyance at this advert builds up in me so much that it gives me a headache, and that this headache is projecting to the world what a fucking stupid, brainless advert this is. (it really does give me a headache)

It has nothing to do with the images used for this advert, at least it’s not showing a woman actually pissing on a little white stick. Nope, it is purely one line from this advert which gets me so worked up..

“There is such a thing as being a little pregnant..”

Is there? Fucking hell, who ever wrote the script for this advert has discovered a revelation!

“Babe.. Just thought I’d let you know, that I’m a little bit pregnant”
“PREGNANT!?”
“No no, just a little bit. It’s neither here nor there at the moment, if we just wish it away it’ll go.”

Fucking MORONS.
God forbid if I ever have a pregnancy scare and feel inclined to use the First Response testing kit. If it came out positive I STILL wouldn’t be sure.

“But.. But am I only a little pregnant? Or is this full blown ‘I’m definitely having a baby’ pregnant?” GAH.

It is quite clear that there are only two possible results of a pregnancy test.
You either ARE or you AREN’T.

THERE IS NO FUCKING INBETWEEN!
Go back to school you benighted fucktards.

Other adverts that piss me off are the ones for comparison websites.
How many different websites do we need to find out where we can get cheaper car insurance?
For fucks sake.
The only website I will give a little credit is comparethemeerkat.com, not comparethemarket, they can fuck off. And yes I do know that comparethemeerkat is just another advertisement for comparethemarket but come the fuck on, at least it’s a little more creative than just telling us how the website works.

Direct Line adverts are just plain shit and boring. A telephone on wheels? I believe they call it a Mobile nowadays, get with the times. I tend to just switch off when these adverts come on because it’s the only way to keep that annoying shitty jingle out of my head.

The new Cadbury’s advert, with the kids and the wriggling eyebrows and that fucking BALLOON.
I want to ram it down that little girls throat whilst it’s still inflated, and laugh as she suffocates to death on the object that made me hate her so damn much.
How on earth can anyone consider that a good advert?
If that’s what chocolate is doing to kids then fuck, we as a civilisation are screwed.
And now they have some kind of a competition, like an eyebrow dance-off.. Get royally fucked in the anal cavity.
In fact no.
What I would like to do to whoever came up with the concept of this advert is kidnap them and the kids with the weird faces.
Then I would take some photographs, of that person molesting the kids, and post them to all the major newspapers explaining what the Cadbury’s employees do to children.
Then I would a tape a grenade up their arses and laugh manically as they explode.

Another thing which pisses me off, men’s beauty products.

I don’t disagree with men having moisturisers or anti-wrinkle creams at all. If they want to start taking care of themselves and wearing skirts that’s fine.

What annoys me is that they refuse to see that it is just women’s products, repackaged and advertised as men’s.
They might as well reach into their wife’s side of the bathroom cabinet and use their lotions and potions.

“But it says Loreal for MEN..”
Yes but, it does the exact same thing as the normal Loreal, it’s the exact same cream, exact same formula with a different perfume mixed in… jeez.

There used to be a time when Gillette just sold single blade razors. Now they’re creating hybrid versions with 20 blades that can shave your entire face in one single movement. Not only this but now you need pre-shave protecting balm, a gel to protect your skin whilst you shave and a moisturiser to further better your skin after you’ve shaved.

What happened to the days when all you needed was soap and water, eh?

Gillette do the same with their Venus range as Loreal does with male products.
I won’t be fooled.
I’d quite happily pinch my boyfriend’s razor and shaving cream, because I know it’s exactly the same fucking thing.
Maybe that’s why I’m single.. or maybe it’s because the world’s just filled with Man-Ladies who cant tell a pair of bollocks from a vagina.
I am not attracted to men who have smoother softer skin than I do, alright?

Of course there are some products that are quite rightly advertised, for example the Tefal Quick Cup three second kettle.
Which I am going to use right now to make some Asda Smart Price noodles, because they are just as good as, if not better, than Bachelor’s fucking super noodles.

That is all.