News Media

By Sean Johnston

I, like many people across the globe, like to keep up with current affairs. For instance, we have a black President, the world economy's going to shit, and Zimbabwe is fucked because $11,237,033,100 (11 Billion, 237 Million, 33 Thousand and 1 Hundred) of their Dollars equals roughly $300 US. (Actual figure). The world is fucked, basically. I like to know that.

Also, if you think I should have called Obama 'African American' then go fuck yourself, not every black person is descended from Africa, therefore, by saying African American, YOU are being racist, you self-righteous fuckwit.

Unfortunately, many news sources tend to ignore this kind of world news, and instead focus on the much more important things, Monkeys pissing on people in zoos, Frivolous lawsuits, massively exaggerated declarations of finding Atlantis due to photographing errors on Google Maps, and Lindsay Lohan's waistline.

Peebz and I have touched quite heavily on the celebrity news, so I'll leave that alone for once, and focus instead on the stupid news. In fact, Russell Howard summed it up best in a stand-up bit about newspapers, and because I'm seriously not above stealing jokes from comedians, here it is. “The Daily Express; don't go outside!…It’s full of QUEERS, BLACKS and CRIME…Oh, if only DIANA were here! “. Of course, in my view this applies to way more than just the Daily Express.

One article on The Sun's webpage as I write this features Wayne Rooney's cousin, Stephen. A cross-dresser who is attempting to make a career in pop music. This is the cynic in me talking (he's gagged and bound the rest of me up in the corner of my mind somewhere), but this seems FUCKING STUPID, this is only getting a mention because he's fairly closely related to someone paid way too much to kick a small ball around and cry whenever anyone touches him in hopes that the other team will get punished for nothing. Maybe he'll be the best thing in pop music ever, maybe he'll revolutionize the face of music itself, leaving it forever changed for the better.

Bollocks. He's going to fail, and I'm going to laugh. Fine, maybe some Celebrity news got through.

Another thing that gets me about the news media is that it's constantly blaming OTHER media for everything. Murders going down? Oh, it must be videogames. Rapists, well that's caused by violent films, Kill Bill causes Girls to want to slaughter everyone, according to feminists, and Muslims are to blame for everything else, because they're all terrorists.

No, open your eyes you bigoted pieces of shit, think for a second, take in information, that thing you claim to peddle to everyone else but seem to avoid like the plague in most of your stories, murders are caused by people who hate other people, and want them dead, rape is caused by people who can't get sex without force, Kill Bill was fucking awesome, and Muslims are mostly fine, it's just the crazy motherfuckers that are the problem. At least they're not Scientologists.

The biggest part of this is the anti-movies/videogames crusade many people seem to be leading, as though they're causing harm and death every time someone plugs in their Playstation., I read an article that has a point. Videogames are a very minor threat, if indeed it is videogames to blame in any of those cases at all. Someone who kills didn't do it because they bought Manhunt and liked virtual killing, they did it because they're a sick, crazy-ass motherfucking psycho, and THEY BOUGHT MANHUNT BECAUSE THEY LIKE BEATING PEOPLE WITH CLAWHAMMERS. It doesn't work the other way around, I can tell you that because I've been playing videogames since I was TWO YEARS OLD, and I don't have any violent urges towards anybody after I'm done playing Left 4 Dead, a game where I blast the fuck out of hordes upon hordes of zombies, and then take control of those zombies to eat people. Because it's not real violence, and it won't cause real violence.

What it probably DOES do, however, is cause stupid and/or crazy people who don't understand the difference between real and pretend violence to go out and do retarded things. It also doesn't help if 11-13 year olds play an 18-rated game (like Manhunt) because their parents have no self restraint and can't tell their little entitled idiot children NO. You cannot have a game rated for people almost a decade older than you, we're going home. Fair enough, I was probably doing the same when I was that age, playing all kinds of shit and watching Freddy Kruger movies, but then, look at me, I'm writing shit for a website and not going out shooting people or clawhammering their skulls open.

Other things that have annoyed me yet don't merit their own rants (yet):

• Creepy, creepy Japanophiles. The kind who smell fairly odd, are kind of round, have horrible acne, nasal voices, never shower, and have weird obsessions with foreign cartoons about little girls. I met one recently at a job interview. He had a 'key flail' (his words, not mine), which happened to be a keyring with 3 keys on it, and 74, yes, SEVENTY FOUR, Anime key-fob things. All of little girls. All of them. That's not 'I like Anime' nor is it 'lol i'm so RANDOM!!!!!! xD DOOOOOOM goose!!!!!!” (Fucking hate those people, jesus christ, you're not random and quirky, you're a cock). It's creepy that you have seventy four little girls on your keyring, I'm probably going to call the police.

• The recession, yes, we're all fucking sick of hearing about it, but fuck you, I'm not sick of moaning about it. I'm currently unemployed, and because of this recession, nobody anywhere wants to hire anyone, at least not without a million years experience in whatever field the job is in, or their own transport. Given that I have no job, how the fuck am I expected to own my own transport, for god's sake? I can barely afford driving lessons, let alone a goddamn car. In short, fuck unemployment and fuck the recession for making it worse.