BBy Andariel Halo
To my devoted fans (FOR THEY ARE LEGION! /Kane) I apologize that I had said I would bring a review of the anime "Big O" but here is something not called "Big O" in its place so I did not make a review for Big O. The long answer is that circumstances requiring supervision failed to allot the appropriate administration by which it was necessitated upon, and thus the deadline for such release was found to be unqualified and unfathomable to apprehend formally, due partly in that said circumstances would prevent such a review from full process and personificationized reflection of its author, and partly due to the fact that the deadline did not truly exist elsewhere beyond the confines of the author's own mentality. The short answer is, I lied, essé.
So I take you back to a time when great movies were being released and unseen or overall snubbed (fuck you 'ITS HISTORICALLY INACCURATE LKE BRAVEHEART SO ITS CRAP' crowd and 'ITS JUZT TWO HOURS OF JUNGLENIGGERS RUNNING', Apocalypto was fucking amazing. And "Children of Men" was the best post-apocalyptic movie EVER! EVER! EVER!) but one movie stood out as being a potential Oscar favorite of the smug PC crowd who snatched the Best Picture from that dead clown faggot and Rachel Dawes' brother and gave it to the best and most accurate modern-day portrayal of racism from the 1940s, "Crash".
And blessed be the children, for this movie won absolutely nothing.
The movie in question was called "Babel".
First off I would like to say I was VERY disappointed because I expected to see Brad Pitt like he was in "Troy" with long hair and nudity, commanding his muley minions to construct him the greatest fucking tower by which to ascend to the heavens and challenge God's mastery of the earth! And also I'd like to see which language God struck Brad Pitt with. BUT NO! The misleading title in fact has nothing to do with the Tower of Babel. And rather than give us some kind of metaphor or allegory to the story, we instead get a series of nonsensical stories executed in a style similar to "Reefer Madness" if "Reefer Madness" were directed by Eli Roth and written by Quentin Tarantino.
Babel is one story in which several smaller stories are connected. Their connection ranges from direct, to so totally esoteric that it's completely irrelevant filler material just to shock the smug PC crowd.
Starting the stories one-by-one, you have the start involving a Morrocan father who buys a rifle from a Goat herder for a few sheep and chickens. I mean that literally, unless the exact amount of domesticated animal is off, or if the animals itself consisted more so of a Goat or two. I don't fucking know, I don't fucking remember, who fucking cares.
Since this is clearly not America but some third-world hellhole towel-headed country, the gun security consists of "Boys, if you touch this gun, I will cut off your testicles and sacrifice them to Allah and his Prophet Muhammad" (Praise be upon him [DON'T KILL ME, TOWELHEADS, PLEASE!]). And since this is a towelhead country, the entire family lives in one shed and a pile of rocks atop a rather tall hill. The youngest boy spends his days spying on his slutty cousin as she showers and shows off to him, knowing he watches, and masturbating in front of the camera for the entire movie audience to see while fantasizing about her. No one cares about the older brother. I complained to my mother about him masturbating and she gave me some hippo-liberal PC bullshit about "it's symbolic in saying that despite him being younger, he's actually the more mature and responsible of the two", which makes a full amount of sense when the younger brother shoots and nearly kills someone, then comes up with the mature and responsible solution of running and hiding and lying to their father about it. Come to think of it, that is EXACTLY what a mature and responsible person would do. So kudos, mother. You are the avatar of misanthropy I had once hoped to achieve.
So I kind of gave away that the father gets bored, and decides to let the boys take the gun to go shoot jackals. Since there are no jackals in towelheadistan that day, they decide to shoot at a tour bus down in the valley below their hill fortress, and end up shooting Cate Blanchett (whose character probably had a name, but it wasn't really mentioned clearly and no one gave a shit). They realize this when the bus comes to a grinding stop, and then run away and hide the gun in their shed.
Segue into Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett's story. And rather than torturously describe everything in pieces (like the movie) I'll summarize it in bullet (haha pun) points:
- Cate gets shot, bus stops, people panic.
- One Arab man is very nice and friendly and helpful, and offers to take them to his village and call the US Consulate to send for help.
- PC Smug Hippo-Liberal Ideology: Almost all Americans are racist and selfish and lazy. As such, the other Americans on the tour-bus say "FUCK NO AIN'T DRIVING INTO A SANDNIGGER VILLAGE WHERE SADDAM BIN LADEN MIGHT KILL US WITH HIS AL TALIBAN JIHAD!"
- The filthy sleazy Americans lose out, and the bus goes to this village. They then hijack busdriver and leave.
- The very friendly Arab man is translator for Brad and Cate, thus completely eviscerating the metaphor/allegory to the story of the Tower of Babel, in which people could not work together because they could not understand each other.
- The US Consulate decides it's a good idea to CANCEL a hospital truck MID-JOURNEY and recall it so they can spend EVEN MORE TIME sending a HELICOPTER to get her.
- Cate slowly bleeds, Brad looks worried. Repeat this for 10 of this subplot's 20 minutes of airtime.
- Brad dryhumps Cate while she's bleeding to death and pissing in a cooking pot. No lie, no joke, no exaggeration.
- They get to a hospital safely, Brad calls his nanny, sets up the next storyline in progress.
What I learned: It is in no way tasteful or tactless to show a man dryhumping his wife while she urinates in a pot and is half-dead from loss of blood. Also, Americans are evil people, and all Arabs are nice and friendly people who will help a wounded American woman with food and drink and translation.
This segues into the Nanny's story. The film itself basically mixes up each of these stories so that they all start at the beginning of the film, and then towards the end reveal how they are connected. As such, this story actually happens immediately after Cate and Brad have a piss-soaked bloody turdbaby in a Morrocan village.
Nanny is Mexican, and she looks over Cate and Brad's two kids. Sleazy Paco Martinez shows up when it's revealed Nanny's son is getting married in Mejico. Problem is, she's an illegal alien, and thus left her spaceship back home on Planet Mejico, so she needs to go with Sleazy P. Martinez to attend the wedding. None of her spic friends will look after the kids, so she takes them with her.
They all have a happydappy fun time at the wedding, with the kids getting to chase a chicken around before a guy cuts off its head right in front of them, and everyone dances and laughs and sings and plays all into the night.
But now it's nighttime, and Sleazy P. needs to take the Nanny and her kids home. And since they're illegal aliens, they need to shut da fuck up at the immigration station.
Two reasons could justify what happens next:
- Sleazy P. is a retard whose stupidity is exponentially increased by being drunk.
- The filmmakers needed a convenient plot device regardless of sensicality and realism.
Sleazy P. all but screams at the officers "I'm an illegal alien and so is Nana here, and we have two little white children we stole and are training to be little sex slaves in Los Angeles" while making a drunken ass of himself and arousing more suspicion than a turbaned towelhead at an Israeli airport. Rather than get arrested, he drives off while the officers are checking his records, and stops in the middle of the desert to let the old lady and the kids out so he can lose the cops and come back for them.
And clearly you're not paying attention to the movie's style if you really think he's coming back.
Next day, sweltering heat, Nanny and the kids are dying, she leaves them in the shade to go look for help. Conveniently, a border cop finds her, asks her questions, while she begs him to help find the kids. He "sweetly" offers her a few brown junglemonkeys he picked up in his truck before she explains that they're white and blonde. For some reason he decides it's a good idea to arrest her, but she freaks out and so he decides to go look. Either the kids moved, or his investigation skills are clearly parallel to some smug hyperbolic joke about some shitty investigator who sucks dick investigating.
Point is, they don't find the kids, the guy arrests the woman, and takes her to Border Jumper Jail. Summing up this story, she's put before "EVILASSHOLEAMERICAN" because as I said before, PC Hippo-Liberal ideology states that almost all Americans are evil assholes, and as such, immigration guy has SOME decency to tell her that they found the kids safe, sent them home, and the parents are very displeased. And since she was nice enough to almost kill herself trying to save them, she gets deported from America after living there illegally for 16 years, and the immigration guy reveals himself to be none other than Ancient Roman favorite, LUCIUS CORNELIUS SULLA, or more accurately LVCIVSCORNELIVSSVLLAFELIX, and proscribes all her property, possibly to sell for dirt-cheap to his elite rich friends, and when Nanny asks if she could at least say goodbye to the children, he rips into her, blames them for their near-death, and tells her when she says she's been living in the US for 16 years and has all her money and property there, "You should of thought of that before coming here". YEAH, FUCK YOU 16 YEARS AGO! FUCK YOUR COUCH, TOO, SPIC, IT'S MINE NOW!
What I learned: Illegal aliens are not our comrades, comrade. If ever you are caught employing their kind, you are to deny all knowledge of this and condemn them back to their bourgeois hellhole countries whilst confiscating their worldly goods for the state, comrade.
Sidelong back to the Sandniggers, it turns out Morroco DOES have an actual government (filthy pigdog Americans! Not all nations are anarchist hellholes!) and so you see police officers dressed like gangsters going to question the old goatherder who sold the gun to the father. And if by "question" you mean "tie him and his wife up, beat the shit out of them, and threaten to kill them on camera for the audience" then they did some mighty fine questioning.
This leads them to the father, who has since discovered what the boys did, and beat the fucking shit out of the little boy on camera for the audience, and now they go to get rid of the gun.
AND IF YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!!!!! guffawguffawhawhawhawhaw
The cops ride up just as the family is walking along the rocky hills. Since this isn't America, but Arabistakistan, these ragheaded dune coons decide the best response is to JUMP BEHIND ROCKS and prepare for a shootout. AND A SHOOTOUT THEY GET! As the cops start pouring led into them, while the retarded younger brother decides to SHOOT BACK AT THEM. He hits a few coppers, and so the cops shoot and kill the older brother, prompting the father to rush out and hold him and cry, and the younger brother to break the gun while the cops stop shooting.
What I learned: Masturbating makes you a big man.
Turns out that the gun in question was given to the goat herder by a Japanese businessman (And as we learned in Evangelion, all Jap men are businessmen. Or anime makers). So we also have a story in Japan, involving said man's daugher Chieko, who can best be described as "DUMBFUCK McDOESNTEXIST"!
Chieko is, as we in Japan say, an endangered species. Likely the last of her kind, after all the Jap businessmen have enslaved her kind as sex slaves, or all the tentacle monsters have raped and eaten her kind. Yet she somehow still exists. And just like the crudeness of the "End of Evangelion" movie, she makes me look like a Victorian Nun; she is sex-crazed. She licks her dentist when he tries to examine her teeth and tries to make him grope her, she wears cunt-high miniskirts without panties and flashes her furry crotch at the boys at the J-Pop, she takes ecstasy with said boys and goes to a nightclub, and she invites a police detective over, strips fully naked, and tries to get him to fuck her.
If it even mattered, she's deaf and mute.
I basically already summed up her story: She's depressed and psychotic, sex-hungry, and probably wants to be raped. So in Jap-summation, she's the ideal schoolgirl.
Their family story is something that her mother committed suicide and her father is all fucked up because of it, and they thought he'd killed her, but he didn't, and now he suspects the cops think he did it when they come to visit, but really they ask about the gun used in Morroco, of which he says he knows nothing about it because he gave it to the goat herder when he went hunting in Morroco or something. Maybe for jackals!
So Chieko later invites the younger detective over, strips naked as he comes up, tries to make him rape her. But whoever wrote the parts of the other Japs must be like... not japanese. Or maybe they are Japanese, but not crude caricature stereotypes like I constantly spout, and as such no one rapes her, and the detective covers her up with his jacket and comforts her when she cries about not being raped. She then gives him a note to read later, which he does, and no one ever finds out what it says because the filmmakers are pretentious, and/or no one gives a shit.
There was this whole sequence of her hitting on some faggy-looking Jap boys, dressed like a mix of goth, punk, and emo, and they take her to a nightclub where she does ecstasy and has a wild, deaf-mute trip before crashing and going home to do that stuff I said above with the detective.
What I learned: Hentai is real.
Leaving aside the fact that she has virtually nothing to do with any of the other stories, her story was completely and utterly pointless and taught us absolutely nothing.
Going by that train of thought, however, ALL the stories were completely pointless and taught us absolutely nothing.
The director's message was some vague strand of PC Hippo-Liberal bullshit along the lines of "We're all connected" and while the plots do conveniently connect together with the whole "gun = shooty = americans come home late", it's so broad, obscure, and irrelevant that it would take some masterful storytelling to connect them all together in a meaningful way.
It also helps not to beat the fucking shit out of the characters mentally and physically with all the style, subtlty, sophistication, and moral message of a snuff film. What you end up with is a "Passion of the Christ" for the emotional person, sans the pre-torture flashbacks. The film is little more than a pretentious attempt at an Oscar or any other award for being "edgy" and "shocking" and "relevant" and "artsy" by creating several mildly interesting stories, stringing them together haphazardly, and having all the characters be tortured physically, mentally, and emotionally, without any positive resolution, moral message learned, or any of the characters learning anything beyond a narrow-fielded visceral "don't do this one thing ever again".
What I learned from the movie: Japan needs more razors. Seriously, that girl's fucking bush was massive.
What I learned from the movie: Japan needs more razors. Seriously, that girl's fucking bush was massive.
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