The long-awaited "Big O" review, plus some random things and rants and such!!!1111

By Andariel Halo

 

It finally comes.  I tell you now why I include "random things and rants and such" along with my supposed review of Big O.  And it will SHOCK YOU like the SHOCKMASTER!
 
 

It was good.
 
No, it was great.
 

Big O is arguably one of the best animes ever.  In the ever.
 
 
First of all, about the only anime stereotypes in the series are the giant robot fighting, and the random grunts and groans and noises made by characters.  Everything else is unique.
 

The story is this intricate, futuristic sci-fi noir shit, which for the life of me powerfully reminds me of the Richard Matheson story "Dance of the Dead", though it could certainly have parallels with stuff like "Chinatown" and "Blade Runner".  I implore you to watch/read every thing I recommend immediately.  While I'm ordering you to do stuff, I also recommend you watch "There Will Be Blood" and read "Gates of Fire".  You fags.
 

The story is that there's this eccentric billionaire (because they all are) not named Bruce Wayne (SHOCK!) who is like a detective slash problem solver, and he is completely opposed to using guns.  He lives in Paradigm City, which is probably a metaphoric symbolic name considering the situation, but the ending cancels that out (SPOILER!), in which 40 years ago, everyone suffered sudden amnesia, and no one remembers what happened 40 years ago.  All they remember is that they live in a big city that is covered in a transparent dome, and the world outside of the city is a desolate wasteland that no one dares venture out into because it's scary.  It seriously IS scary the way the series plays it up.
 
The story involves the billionaire named Roger Smith calling himself DOMINOOS which I think was supposed to be based on the Roman word "Dominus" but they actually call the masculine form "Domine" I think.  And his robot Big O is a MEGADOOS which is not in any way related to MEGADOUCHE as I foresaw some of you would think (and you know who you are, Andariel Halo.  OH MY GOD HOW DID YOU KNOW?!).
 

He fights random things I don't even remember because it's not important.  He also acquires an android girl named R. Dorothy who is emotionless yet witty, and plays piano very well, but without soul, so it pisses Roger off and he tries to teach her to play with emotion by cheating---ie, not playing perfectly, adding stuff like staccatos, crescendos and decrescendos, and other musical intonations at random moments regardless of whether the song has them.
 

A mystery builds up involving the events that happened 40 years ago, and suddenly old people are starting to remember what happened 40 years ago, but they end up being killed by someone as a result.  There is also a woman named "Angel" who appears from outside the city, and has scars on her back reminiscent of those an angel might have if their wings were surgically removed.
 
It's all great shit that I barely remember the details.  All I remember is that THE ENDING WAS SO MYSTERIOUS, EVEN THE SHOW'S CREATORS DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS!
 

And here is that explanation: They fucked us.
 

They fucked us, the viewing audience, over.
 

There is no ending; the final episode has Roger fighting this other MEGADOOS while the city burns, and he's on the verge of somehow acquiring either the memories, or someone who has the memories of what happened 40 years ago.  Suddenly this robot or something appears, flashing a blinding white light on everything and everyone.  The light overwhelms Roger and the screen.
 
And then everything is erased.  The city is back to how it was at the start of the series, Roger is back to being an eccentric billionaire with a Batmobile limo.  No one remembers what happened 40 years ago, Angel is nowhere to be found, that's it.  End series, nothing is resolved, you lose.
 

So the interpretation on my part is that you're a dumbass for watching the series expecting something to happen because everything went back to normal anyway and there was really no point in even watching the series.
 
 
 

That's the series.
 

As for other random stuff... da hey!  Why do they sell hotdogs in 10 packs and hotdog buns in 8 packs?  AMIRITE?!  Or is it... 8 pack hotdogs and 10 pack hotdog buns?  AMIRITE?!
 

Have you ever wondered what life is like for really really old people like in their 80s or 90s who have been married to the love of their life for like 50 or 60 years, and their spouse dies, and they keep on living?  What do you think their daily life is like?  You think they just wait to die?  Or do they live in a perpetual existential haze, unable to step out the door without painful memories of their ten-years-dead spouse beside them, while staring at the sky and smiling, and reaching out to pull them close only to realize that they've been dead for ten years but you've never stopped reaching out as if to pull them close?  You know they're dead, but you're just either so conditioned or so lost without them, that you cannot function as if they weren't there?
 
Do you think they go into a car and drive along wooded areas, and simulaneously feel like they're in 1942 driving in their old Ford as well as in 2248 driving in their old 2220 Ford², watching the kids with their soda pops and their sweethearts holding hands while they have no one beside them?  Watching the old folks smile warmly while their robot attendant spills their pie and drink and apologizes profusely while trying to clean it, genuinely amused by how their faithful machine, so utterly perfect and precise, is yet so human in its flaws?  That no matter how long they may live and how far ahead robotics may come, they are still less cold machines than plastic reflections of our own selves?  Capable of far more than we, and yet completely incapable of being alien to us?
 

One time as a child I was firmly under the very real impression that the Undertaker had really burned his house down and killed his parents and brother, and that of course his whole zombie/mortician/satanist gimmick was just a gimmick, but that the story with Kane's appearance was real, and used in wrestling as a method for them to unleash their inner anger and torment on one another without being arrested for doing so.
 

You know what I hate?  Other than you, I suppose?  Apocalyptics and people who believe in conspiracy theories about predictions of armageddon, doomsday, and what I simply label in one rambling term: "OMFG 2012 MAYANS DOOMSDAY ASTEROIDS COMETS SKULL AND BONES FREEMASONS 9/11 JEWS SECRET GOVERNMENT SOCIETY ILLUMINATI NEW WORLD ORDER HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN!"
 
Starting with 2012: You know what will happen on December 21, 2012?  All the 2012ers will squeal and scream and flood every medium with "THE END IS COMIGN TODAY !!!!!11" while I will be riding my rocket car to the store for some Vanilla Coke and iced tea, then drinking it all and passing out around 3am December 22.  December 22, 2012 will be the first day of the rest of all time forever.
 
Anyone who truly believes that the world will end in 2012: Why are you still alive?  Why don't you kill yourselves now to save yourselves the pain of armageddon, and furthering your stresses and shit with living normal life?  Why do you buy shit with a credit card and worry about your finances and school and work?  Why don't you just steal fucking shit and kill people and go batshit insane?
 
Here's why: the world won't end.  I solved this "mystery" with a fucking wikipedia search (and it was sourced/cited, too): The Mayan calendar is infinite.  It starts with 0, and ends with 13.
 
The Mayan calendar began with 0.0.0.0.0.  According to the Mayan long-count calendar, today's date, February 19, 2009, is 12.19.16.1.19.  December 21, 2012 falls on 13.0.0.0.0.
Hence, you have to realize that NUMBERS COME AFTER ZERO!
 
Some people will cite that according to Mayan myth, the Gods failed in creating three worlds before creating this one, and all those three creations ended at the start of the 13th b'ak'tun.  The logical response would be, "Who fucking cares?  They were fucking spearchucking jungleniggers, they don't fucking know science like we do today", but those who would humor them would continue on, and note that while the apocalyptics would say "DAT BE 2012!! TEH 13TH CYCLE STARTS ON DECEMBER 21, 2012 SO DAT MEENZ WURLD GUNNA END!" and respond with "Epic fail: the 14th cycle starts on December 21, 2012, because the first cycle is 0 and that FUCKING COUNTS!"  So if they believe the fourth creation ends at the start of the 13th cycle, then the world should have ended in September 1618.  loloops.
 

The Mayans didn't believe the world would end in 2012 AD.  Why the fuck should you?
 

Another cite: Nostradamus didn't predict the world would end (he didn't predict anything either; he wrote a bunch of semi-coherent inscriptions which people began to wildly interpret and distort for their own monetary benefit) but his predictions simply end "supposedly" circa 3797 AD.  And people who say this also forget the fact that he wrote ANOTHER fucking book which he later burned, so we're missing his last book of bullshit.
Another guy, William Miller, in the 1840s supposedly predicted via Biblical scripture, that the world would end and Jesus would return in 1843.  Nothing happened.  He "reinterpreted" and said it would happen in 1844.
 
My point is; shut up, everyone.  Because I have a mental issue which i call "the stupids" which causes me, despite all evidence to the contrary, to almost slightly believe conspiracy theories, doomsday scenarios, and all that other shit, and makes me cry and stress out and want to give up on life because it's all going to end.
 
And then Roland Emmerich banks on apocalypticism by making a shitty movie called "2012" which will probably best be known as "OMFG DISASTER MOVIE~!" or "The Day After Tomorrow 2: Electric Boogaloo".
 
 
OOH!  Another thing I hate: people who say Jack Nicholson's portrayal of "The Joker" was in any way or any use of the term "good/better/scarier/crazier/realistic/true to the comic/more unique/more memorable/any term referring to superiority" over Heath Ledger's portrayal of "The Joker".
 
I openly admit that more than a year ago, I absolutely did not care about Heath Ledger's Joker.  I was even growing to dislike it due to the faggoty goth/punk/emo/Hot Topic crowd spamming their Myfaces or Facebooks or Youtubes with "WHY SO SERIOUS?" like they're so fucking cool for saying a random string of words wildly out of context just because their hero Heef Legger wrote it on glass with lipstick in a poster.
 
Then Ledger died, and mixed news reports said things ranging from drug overdose due to overworking, to drug overdose due to mental anguish caused by his role as the Joker.  I told a friend vehemently that if the Joker in "The Dark Knight" does not scare the fucking shit out of me and make me shake and nearly piss in my pants, I will forever condemn Heath Ledger as a pansy-ass pussy for having nightmares and shit and dying from it.
 

Heath Ledger's Joker scared the fucking shit out of me and made me shake and nearly piss in my pants.
 

This was a level of total immersion into the role so solid and complete that the actor failed to be recognized.  Seeing Ledger in shit like A Knight's Tale or not shit like Brokeback Mountain meant that the Joker was someone completely different.  This was a level of acting that I had only seen twice before: Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood", and Colin Farrell in "Alexander" (fuck you if you hate the movie or him, I don't care, I say he was completely immersed in the role).
 
Heath Ledger put on a performance just preparing for the role---locking himself in a hotel room for a month practically, studying the comics, studying the lives of people like Sid Vicious, Alex DeLarge, etcetera.  He created someone Absolute, someone who could not possibly have had a real childhood, a real life, a real center of morality.  He created someone UNPREDICTABLE.
 
That is true terror.
 
True terror is unpredictability; when you can look someone in the eye, have them smile at you, and see it be just as likely that said person will snarl at you, and try to scalp you with their fingernails, as they would be likely to kiss you and ask you to marry them, and faithfully perform oral sex upon you for many years to come.
 
Heath Ledger's Joker was that very unpredictability.  Confess to me that you thought he would kill Gambol when he kept calling him a freak and clown and put a hit out on him.  Confess to me that you thought he would kill someone at the fundraising party for Harvey Dent.  If you honestly think you knew what he would do, then you're a fucking liar, or you're legitimately insane.
 
 
In comparison... Jack Nicholson's Joker consists of this:
 
1) Jack Nicholson
2) Facepaint and prosthetics
3) A bottle of Jack Daniels (because he loves the name Jack)
 
Even by the standards of the late 80s-early 90s, Jack Nicholson's Joker was NOT scary.  I say this because as a child I loved "Batman Returns" and Danny DeVito's Penguin was FUCKING SCARY.
 
Jack Nicholson's Joker is basically the same thing as most of Nicholson's roles---a raving self-parody.  Even that Joker was named fucking Jack.  Jack Napier.
 

Here is just one comparison of many:
 
Vying to turn Gotham against Batman:
 
Heath Joker: You see, THIIIS is how CRAAAZY Batman's made Gotham!  You want order in Gotham?  Batman must take OFF his MASK and turn himself in...  Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die... starting tonight... I'm a man of my wooord.... HEEEHEEHEHAAHAAAHAAAHAA!!!!!
 
Jack Joker: And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust?!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money! And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!
 

Jesus...  That should immediately kill any and all fucking argument against Ledger's Joker being superior.  Sure, the dumbasses and the poor people would fall for Jack's Joker, but Heath's Joker not only appeals to EVERYONE, but Jack's Joker has already proven himself untrustworthy---he DID after all poison all the shampoo and soap and cosmetic products in Gotham before, killing many people.  Would you so much as touch the fucker if he killed your best friend via his moisturizer?
 

On their insanity:
 
Heath Joker:
Gambol: You're crazy!
Joker: I'm not..t..... No, I'm not...
 
Jack Joker:
Vicki: You're insane!
Joker: I thought I was a Pisces!
 

I have no joke there (HAHA STUPID PUN!).
 

Then we take a look at their final grand master plan!
 

Heath Joker:  The Joker threatens the entire city, terrorizes them, gets thousands onto ferries to escape, one with people, one with convicts, shuts them down, gives them both detonators, and tells them they have five minutes to blow up the other ship or else he'll blow them both up.  Moral lessons abound, while also setting up the cops to kill the hostages dressed as clowns.
 

Jack Joker:  Throws a big fucking parade in Gotham, dancing to fucking PRINCE music, giving away money, and spraying some slow-moving fart-looking gas to kill people who gather around.  Also he bitches about Batman stealing his balloons.
 
 
 
The primary argument given against me here is "WELL THE 80S WAS A DIFFERENT TIME AND IT WASN'T SO DARK AND SCARY THEN!"
 
I have two arguments that grind that argument into dust, one of which ironically involves Jack Nicholson himself:
 
The Shining and Batman Returns
Jack Torrance and Oswald Cobblepot/Penguin
 

Jack Nicholson is not a shitty actor.  And just because his Joker was shitty doesn't mean he doesn't know crazy.  When I saw The Shining, I saw someone who could rival Heath Ledger's Joker in terms of true, raw insanity.  He was both garish and subtle, wild and restrained.  He was just as unpredictable, and frightening just with simple conversation, such as with his son in his lap, telling him he loves him.
 
And then closer to the Batman franchise is The Penguin, Oswald Cobblepot.  Make fun of him for basically having no evil plan whatsoever as you want, HE was fucking scary.  He looked plenty gross and disgusting, but you never know what he's going to do.  Like when he has Max Schrek in the sewers, and starts showing him all the stuff Max has flushed down the toilet, and takes out a severed hand of someone Max killed, "HI MAX!  REMEMBER ME?  I'M FRED'S HAND!  You wanna greet any other body parts?!"
 
Also consider that "Batman" and "Batman Returns" and "The Dark Knight" are PG 13.
The word "shit" is used in Batman and Batman Returns, as well as "bitch", and a cunt pun "Just the pussy I've been lookin' for!", but not The Dark Knight.
 
Memorable Penguin quotes:
 
 
Henchman: Great speech, Oswald.
[Penguin hits him]
The Penguin: MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD!! IT'S PENGUIN!! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!. I AM AN ANIMAL! COOOLD-BLOODED!!
 
The Penguin: You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You might be right.
 

My favorite one:
Henchman: Uh, Penguin...? I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...
[Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]
The Penguin: No, it's a lot!
 
 
My point is, using "IT WAS THE 80S!" as an excuse for Jack Nicholson's Joker to not be scary at all and to suck and to dance to Prince music NOT ONCE BUT TWICE in the movie is NOT a valid excuse, considering how dark The Penguin was in the next movie, and how "PG-13" in 1989 justified the use of "shit" plenty of times, but apparently not enough to conjure up a bit of "The Shining" to make the Joker anything other than "Jack Nicholson having fun messing around and collecting a huge paycheck for essentially playing himself".