By Sean Johnston

(Disclaimer:- We here at Why I Hate Everything understand that Sean Johnston has not actually seen the film Twilight, and therefore is probably unable to make an informed and accurate opinion on the subject. Let it also be known that WE DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHETHER HE'S SEEN IT OR NOT. If you want informed opinions, go to CNN.com or some shit. Twilight sucks - Kevin Sanders)

When I say to someone 'I hate fans', I don't mean to refer to people who like something, that's not what this is about at all, instead I refer to the people who wear t-shirts relating to X every single day; refuse to accept differing opinions on any part of the film, game, console, book, comic, toy franchise, whatever; will crucify anyone who says a bad word about said thing and is usually a girl who smells slightly of piss and sits at home most days writing terrible slash fanfiction about varying pairs of male characters in whatever her obsession happens to be. If you don't know what slash fiction is, I wouldn't advise googling for it, instead suffice it to say that most people do not want to know about the romantic, and indeed sexual relationships between Ron Weasley and his brothers. Especially as that relationship only exists in the confused mind of the more socially inept members of that particular fanbase.

There are, obviously, varying levels of fan-dom, ranging from "Yeah, that was pretty cool" to the previously mentioned kind, and most are fine, and indeed healthy. Even I like the occasional thing (usually not for very long, to be fair.) The problem here is that excessive levels of it give birth to abortions of literature, film, and other such media. One of those abortions I feel that I should cover today. Twilight.

On the surface, it seems pretty cool, it's a film about vampires, those are usually good, right? NO. Those thoughts are bad, Don't even try to persuade yourself that Twilight isn't going to be a 2-hour clusterfuck of all the deluded fantasies that lonely girls sit at home dreaming up about running away with beautiful vampire boys and whatever the hell else.

Kevin said it best: "Twilight is for sad, lonely girls with no prospects." and I agree wholeheartedly, I haven't even seen it and I can imagine exactly how it will play out.

Firstly, Girl meets boy. (Only done this way round so that the main character is a girl, and therefore the pathetic members of the target audience can more easily imagine themselves in the shoes of a girl who is actually attractive and not a 200-pound beast of a woman who has no discernible difference between her face and her arse)

Then, girl falls in love with boy (and of course boy reciprocates unconditionally because we're in magical fantasy love land where everybody is fucking perfect. Ugh.)

Here's where any good vampire film should get interesting, and I suppose it might, a little. Though don't mistake the slight mental stimulus for actual fun. The girl almost gets run over, except (shocker!) her white-knight hero emo-loooking(girly) vampire boyfriend shows up and saves her by stopping the car or van or whatever with his hand. His fucking hand.

For some reason, he's not fucking locked away in a prison for probably killing the driver of the car, or being dragged away by the heels to a laboratory so they can figure out how the SHIT he managed to survive a car smashing into him sideways.

Obviously she somehow comes to a realisation he's a vampire, other vampires try to kill her for some fairly arbitrary reason, vampire-boyfriend saves her again and she decides she wants to become a vampire, this happens at the prom, because otherwise it wouldn't be a fantastically sickening romantic scene in which she probably says she wants to be with him forever. He's probably also incredibly sad that she'll die one day, unlike me, I find that thought comforting. Edward (that's the vampire's name, by the way. Not that you care.) refuses to make her a vampire, presumably the official reason being that he doesn't want to put her through the horrible, horrible terrible life of, well, you know, living forever and being basically immune to harm. My theory on it, however, is that he just can't stand to be the subject of attention from so many pathetic, lonely girls much longer.

I'm probably wrong on a lot of this (and I give not a shit), because I haven't even seen the film, but a cursory glance at the Wikipedia page has pretty much told me everything I need to know to make a decision to not go and see it. One of the main things that clued me in to the pathetic pander-to-the-fangirls attitude this film has is that on Amazon.com, they were selling a fairly standard merchandised calendar, for EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS. Eighty motherfucking five dollars for a calendar, because it has a picture of an anorexic cunt wearing eyeshadow on the front of it.

If you disagree with any of this, then tough shit, you probably shouldn't have torn yourself away from writing your self-insertion bullshit 'story' about whatever it is you happen to obsess over. Also, go have a shower, I can smell you from here.